A couple were on the way to their honeymoon hotel.  She said she couldn't 
wait anymore so they went behind some rocks and enjoyed their nuptials.  
After an hour back on the road, she said she wanted some more, so they 
went under some bushes.  Back on the road, after some time passed, she 
said she really had to have another one soon, but as there were no rocks 
or trees nearby she suggested they did it under the car.  A short time 
later the driver noticed a pair of boots in front of him, and when he 
looked up there was a policeman, who told him he had caused a major 
traffic jam.  He replied that he didn't think his car had been blocking 
the road, the policeman then asked him what car, and he realised he had 
forgotten to put the handbrake on!!

Ship tricks. 
A magician was working on a cruise ship, many years ago.  
On this particular voyage there was a parrot that kept squawking 
"I know how you did that trick, you (and then explained how)".  
This got on the magicians wick, to put it mildly, when all at once the 
ship struck an old mine that had been floating around for years, and 
the ship went up with an almighty bang. The magician found himself 
adrift on some wreckage, accompanied by the parrot.  The parrot said 
nothing for three days, then finally said, "OK, I give up, what have 
you done with the ship?"

A vicar announced to his flock that a death watch beetle had been 
confirmed in the church. 

Two old ladies went to the races for the first time, and during one race 
they backed a horse at a fiver each way.  When the horse refused a fence 
and turned round, racing back to the start, they tried to collect their 
winnings. 

A vicar was giving a sermon on the evils of drink, and said that a worm 
could live in water, but would die in whisky.  To this, a wag at the back
asked, if he had worms, should he drink whisky? 

Way down south where the bananas grow, 
a grasshopper landed on an elephant's toe,
the elephant said with tears in his eyes,
why can't you land on someone your own size. 

When Tarzan was in the jungle he had the belly ache, 
he couldn't find a toilet and his (aarrgghh) - too late! 

An idiot went to the fair, when he tried the shooting range he hit a 
teddy bear and a teaset, he then said he wanted one of the moving ducks. 

There was a chap who had trouble with his stomach.  
He was regular as clockwork, every morning at 7 a.m., 
unfortunately he didn't get up until 8. 

Maggie Thatcher was visiting Reagan in America, and he was showing her 
around a massive computer complex, and explained that it was used to 
produce statistics on the economy, and used to predict trends.  He then 
showed her a prediction of the American economy for 1999. Maggie asked 
if the computer could produce one for the UK, but when it came out she 
couldn't read it, because it was written in Welsh. 

This chap weighed in at 36 stone, and he had been to see his doctor, 
tried various diets, but still couldn't lose weight.  In the end the doctor 
told him of an American diet he had come across that was more or less 
guaranteed to work, but he couldn't vouch for it.  The chap said he was 
desperate, and what was the diet.  The doctor replied that it was based 
on a theory that the elements of food that went to make weight were mostly 
extracted from food between the mouth and the stomach, whereas, if food was
put in at the other end, these elements were rejected by the body.  The 
heavyweight, desperate as he was, said he would try anything, even that, 
so the doctor said to go ahead, but to watch out for any side effects. 
Anyway, after several visits to the doctor, on which the patient had lost 
a great deal of weight, the doctor had asked him if he had found any side 
effects.  The patient replied that although the diet took some getting used
to, as well as having to eat alone, he had not noticed anything amiss, and 
was delighted with the results, thanking the doctor profusely.  As he went 
to leave on the last visit, the doctor noticed that the patient was taking 
mincing steps, so he called him back to ask the patient if he was aware of 
the way he was walking now.  The patient replied that there was no 
problem, he was just chewing a toffee. 

The odd one out from the following:- woman, child, sex, rug?  
You can beat them all except sex. 

A farmer was depressed at all the EEC regulations, especially regarding 
milk quotas.  He went along to the vicar and asked if there were cows 
in Heaven.  The vicar said he would see if he could find out, and would 
let him now next week.  When they met next, the vicar said he had been 
granted three pieces of information to pass on to the farmer.  
Yes, there were cows in heaven, no, there were no quotas, and he was 
milking there next Friday. 

A man came home with lipstick on his collar. 
Wife said "Don't expect me to pay second fiddle!!" 
Husband replied "Play second fiddle, 
    count yourself lucky you are in the band at all!!" 

A student had a baby, and people remarked how intelligent the baby was, 
to which the student replied "He should be, he was at university 
long enough!" 

Miner trapped by a rockfall underground with his mates, were unable to 
shift any of the rocks. One of the miners prayed, "Lord, send down your 
Son to help us!", and old Morgan said, "Better still, please come down 
Yourself, this is not a job for a boy!". 

A houseproud woman went to the ironmongers for a little can of paint so 
that she could paint the budgie.  The ironmonger said the paint would 
probably kill the budgie, but the woman went ahead anyway.  Eventually 
the budgie did die, but not from the paint, from the blowlamp. 

A new student was relieving a vicar for a week, and the vicar asked him 
to report to him at the end of the week.  The week passed, and the student
reported that he found the people nice, his digs were nice, and the food 
was excellent.  The vicar asked him about the landlady, Mrs. Davies, and 
the student replied that she was very nice.  The vicar asked him if he had
found anything unusual or peculiar, and he replied that he often went to 
bed after Mrs. Davies as he was studying.  One night he found Mrs. Davies
asleep on his bed naked with the light on, so he went in, covered her with 
bedclothes in case she caught cold, and then went to sleep on the sofa.  
He asked the vicar if he would have done the same thing, to which the vicar 
replied "Of course I would have, you great big liar!" 

A moron bought some peas, but when he got home he had a lot of problems, 
as the instructions said to cook them separately. 

A man jumped into the river to save his dog which had fallen in from a 
bridge.  A passing German, on seeing the man carrying the dog out of the 
water said "Are you vet?", and he said, "No, I'm soaking". 

An Irishman saw H.R. signs along the road in Wales, so he followed them 
and ended up in Fishguard, the only problem was that he had wanted to go 
to Cheltenham for the horse racing.  (the signs meant Holiday Route!)

Moron counting sheep: "One, two, three, and another, and another, .... ". 

Doctor "How's your sex life?" 
Patient "Infrequent" 
Doctor "Is that one word or two?" 

How to stop the moles digging up your garden, lock the tool shed. 

Two lesbians visiting Ireland went into a pub, the barman asked them 
what part of Lesbia they came from. 

An old man married a much younger woman, and asked the doctor for advice.  
The doctor suggested that a lodger might help matters.  Twelve months 
later the old man visited the doctor, and said his wife was pregnant.  
The doctor asked him if he had taken his advice about the lodger, the old 
man replied that she was in the waiting-room, and he thought she was 
pregnant too. 

How to remove varnish - take out the "r" and it will vanish. 

On their silver wedding, sitting by the fire, she asked him to hold her 
hand, like in the old days.  Then she asked him to nibble her ear, like 
in the old days.  He replied that he couldn't as he had left his teeth 
in the bathroom. 

A frustrated farmgirl was daydreaming of finding a man.  A cow knocked 
her over and she hit her head against a tree.  When she came to she saw 
four udders above her face, she said "Now chaps, one at a time!". 

A woman came into the betting shop every day and placed a bet on one horse, 
and she always won.  Then one day she bet on four horses and had four 
winners.  The bookie asked her how she did it.  She said "With a pin"  
"How about the day you had four winners" 
"I couldn't find a pin, so I used a fork instead!". 

Old age pensioner had a parrot he used to take down the pub with him.  
He kept the parrot for companionship and conversation.  One day he turned 
up at the pub without the parrot. On being asked he explained that he had 
ordered half a ton of call from the coal merchant, while he was out 
shopping he had returned to find his garden full of coal, as the parrot 
had ordered half a ton of coal from all the other coal merchants, so he 
had left the parrot pinned to the wall.  Meanwhile, back in his house, 
the parrot noticed a crucifix on the wall opposite, so he asked Jesus if 
he was being punished.  When he answered in the affirmative, the parrot 
asked him how long he had been on the cross, to which the answer was 
2,000 years. The parrot thought for a minute, and said "Good grief!  
How much coal did you order?" 

Two boys standing near a brothel were intrigued by all the men going in 
and out, so they decided to investigate.  When they went in the madam 
found they only had 5pence each, so she gave them a clip on the ear and 
threw them out.  
One boy said to the other "Just as well we only had 5p each, isn't it!" 

A woman came into the casualty department with scalded feet.  
When asked what had happened she said she had been following the 
instructions on a tinned pudding, which said stand in a pot of 
boiling hot water. 
The patient went back to the doctor and said the instructions were to take 
the medicine after a hot bath, and after he had drunk the bathful he found 
he couldn't swallow the medicine. 

A hungry tramp at the door was asked if he liked cold rice, he said he did, 
so was told to come back in half an hour as it was still hot. 

A woman sued her husband for divorce because he went away every weekend 
trying to visit as many football grounds as he could.  The weekend prior 
to the divorce proceedings he had visited 45 grounds.  The divorce threw 
out the case because she had insufficient grounds for divorce. 

Three women were sat in a cafeteria, one of them was deaf.  
One of the others was describing her neighbour's vegetables, she said his 
cucumbers were like (bending her elbow and sticking her fist up in the air)
and his tomatoes were like (clenching her fists together).  The deaf one 
asked if she had the guy's address. 

A woman had two budgies that died, she took them to a taxidermist to have 
them preserved.  He said "Would you like them mounted?" to which she 
replied, "Certainly not! Just holding hands will do". 

A husband complained to his wife that she kept the house dirty and untidy.  
She was very annoyed at this and said "I bet you can't find a single flea 
in this house" to which he replied, "I know, they are all married with kids". 

A worker on a building site complained that his wheelbarrow squeaked and 
need oil.  He was fired due to the long intervals between squeaks. 
I found a mole in the lawn, killing was not good enough for it, 
so I buried it alive.