"I forgot to increment," Tom said, nonplussed. "I love every bone in your body especially mine." A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A gynecologist is a spreader of old wives tales. A place for everything and everything all over the place. A thing not worth doing isn`t worth doing well. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Accountant: One Who Feels Good When Things Start Looking Black Again. Admiration: Our Polite Recognition Of Another's Resemblance To Ourselves. Adolescence: The Age Between Pigtails And Cocktails. Adult: One Old Enough To Know Better. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Allergy Specialist: A Doctor Who Treats You For One Wheezin' Or Another. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to kno Ask questions. That's how you learn. Just be careful who you ask. Augmented Fifth: A 36-Ounce Bottle Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Backbite: To Speak Of A Man As You Find Him, When He Can't Find You. Barium: What Doctors Do When Treatment Fails. Basic research is what I am doing when - I don`t know what I am doing. Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.... Beer isn't just for breakfast any more. Below Average Pilot: Unequal Number Of Takeoffs And Landings. Bigamist: A Man Who Has Married An Attractive Woman And A Good Cook. Born free... Taxed to death. Bureaucat: A Kitty Who Sleeps On Your Undies. Carlsbad Caverns: 22\% more cavities. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. Did you hear about the new Divorced Barbie? She comes with all of Ken's stuff. Die Yuppie Scum. Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Eschew obfuscation. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Exxon Suxx. Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. Friends don't let friends drive naked. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Graffiti in toilet:The job is not finished until the paperwork is done. Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. Honk if you love cheeses. How can I miss you if you won't go away? How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? How you look depends on where you go. I Cayman went. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be. I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itch I is a college student. I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? I never fail to convice an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I tried for the high road but ended up on the information highway instead.. I wanna be like Barbie, The B*TCH has everything! IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Idleness is the holiday of fools. If at first you don`t succeed, you`re doing about average. If it's too loud, you're too old. If money could talk, it would say goodbye. If some people didn`t tell you, you`d never know they`d been away on vacation. If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. If you continually give you will continually have. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. If you love life, then don't squander time. For that is the stuff life is made of. If you make a mistake you right it immediately to the best of your ability. If you make people think they`re thinking, they`ll love you; but if you really make them t If you suspect a man, don`t employ him. If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. Is there life before coffee? It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. It is better to wear out than to rust out. It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. It`s always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about. It`s not reality that`s important, but how you perceive things. It`s sweet to be remembered, but it`s often cheaper to be forgotten. It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you. It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. I`ve given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Let`s just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in i Life's too short to dance with ugly men. Life's too short to dance with ugly women. Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. Love the sea? I dote upon it - from the beach. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Make new friends but keep the old ones; one is silver and the other`s gold. Man and wife make one fool. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles which are on very very thin paper. Man`s horizons are bounded by his vision. Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- VOLTAIRE Mary had a little lamb.. That'll teach her for sleeping in the barn!! Matrimony is the root of all evil. Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure. Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. Montana---At least our cows are sane! My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. My karma ran over your dogma. My other wife is beautiful. My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to mi Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. Never play leap frog with a unicorn. Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as as receiving a income t No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature. No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. No radio. Already stolen. Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m. Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. Nuke the unborn baby whales. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts for support rather than illumina Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to give b One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant. Ours is a world where people don`t know what they want and are willing to go through hell Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. People who take cat naps don`t usually sleep in a cat`s cradle. People will buy anything that`s one to a customer. Preserve the old, but know the new. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don`t feel like it Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiti Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth. Quit work and play for once. Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? Rehab is for quitters. Reputation: what others are not thinking about you. Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics. Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. Save California; when you leave take someone with you. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. She`s learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words. Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. So many pedestrians, so little time. Some men are discovered; others are found out. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Success isn`t how far you got, but the distance you travelled from where you started. Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. Tell me to "stuff it"--I'm a taxidermist. That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see bet The beginning of eternity, and the last thing in life? Why, the letter "E," of course. The best prophet of the future is the past. The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for somebody else The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. The difference between inlaws and outlaws is that outlaws are WANTED! The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn`t been asleep. The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the trai The heart is wiser than the intellect. The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn`t. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. The only rose without thorns is friendship. The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. The plural of spouse is spice. The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. The haves get more, the have-nots die. The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. The worst day fishing is better than the best day working. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal friend. There are more old drunkards than old doctors. There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. There are three things I have always loved and never understood art, music, and women. There is always someone worse off than yourself. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. There is nothing worse than being peerless in a peer-review system. There`s at least one fool in every married couple. There`s so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. There's one in every crowd and they always find me. Think twice before speaking. But don`t say "think think click click". This file will self-destruct in five minutes. This is not an abandoned vehicle. Those of you who think you know everything often annoy those of us who do. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent. To do is to be - Nietzsche To be is to do - Sartre Do be do be do - Sinatra To give happines is to deserve happiness. To go as an emotion, go naked with a pear at the end of your penis. And you would be FUCK To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often. To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. To save a single life is better than to build a seven storey pagoda. Veni, Vidi, Visa. I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all. We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. Welcome to Texas, now go home. We're staying together for the sake of the cats. What eventually killed Einstein was a stroke of genius. What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves clevere What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he`s stari What orators lack in depth they make up in length. What passes for woman`s intuition is often nothing more than man`s transparency. When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them. When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized. When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS. When you go out to buy, don`t show your silver. When you save for a long time to buy something, then you find that you can`t afford it - t When you try to make an impression, the chances are that that is the impression you will m When your work speaks for itself, don`t interrupt. When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Who cares who's on board? Why can`t lifes`s big problems come when we are twenty and know everything ? Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibili Why do women I do not know mistreat me? Don't they have husbands? Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Will Rogers never met a lawyer. Wink. I'll do the rest. With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. Without fools there would be no wisdom. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. Words must be weighed, not counted. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you`ve got some You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. You cannot propel youself forward by patting yourself on the back. You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact. You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution. Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. eHpl ! Imat arppdei sndi eht eED-C20 i souport publik edekashun. "I believe this is sodomy!" said Tom, half in earnest. "I know it is hot in Hell, but is it humid?" "The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." --Lily Tomlin