Three women were sat in a cafeteria, one of them was deaf.  One of the others was describing her neighbour's vegetables, she said his  cucumbers were like (bending her elbow and sticking her fist up in the air) and his tomatoes were like (clenching her fists together).  The deaf one asked if she had the guy's address.

A woman had two budgies that died, she took them to a taxidermist to have  them preserved.  He said "Would you like them mounted?" to which she replied, "Certainly not! Just holding hands will do".

A husband complained to his wife that she kept the house dirty and untidy.  She was very annoyed at this and said "I bet you can't find a single flea  in this house" to which he replied, "I know, they are all married with kids".  

A worker on a building site complained that his wheelbarrow squeaked and  need oil.  He was fired due to the long intervals between squeaks.  

I found a mole in the lawn, killing was not good enough for it,

so I buried it alive.